Jay Hudson - Nuisance Extraordinaire!

Yes indeed, it has been quite some time. Interesting how I went from frequent blogger to lazy sod. Such is life…I haven’t had much to blog about, not really anyway. But now I do, kinda. It’s 2am, I’m bored and there’s something bugging me so I might as well write about it. Nothing better to do… (more…)

So, I didn’t get to sleep last night. At all. In spite of how uber tired I was, when I left IRC to go to bed, I just couldn’t. Soooo, I spent a few hours watching garbage while Wolf kept my feet warm. I still wouldn’t fall asleep; by 12:30pm I was going nuts so I decided to head out and go see a friend and he decided he wanted to go to the damn cafe, and me being in no mood to argue, I submitted and went.

I think I fell asleep a few times, not completely but just those weird mini-moments when your head falls down and you boing back up thinking where the hell am I?!?! I’m sure you’ve all had those moments too. I hope. o_O Anyhoo, he goes to the toilets and I’m just sitting there, minding my own business, stirring a vortex into my coffee when all of a sudden I feel something wet on my ear. I assumed it was rain at first but I couldn’t quite explain to myself how it was raining inside the cafe. So, I figure it’s a leak or something but alas it was not as the ceiling appeared to be in mighty fine shape. Or as mighty fine as a ceiling can be…don’t want anyone thinking I have weird hobbies that involve checking out ceilings. o_O

Anyhoo, this was all a moments thought and it bugged me so I turned around and low and behold it turned out some guy had licked my ear. I have no explanation as to why, he was just leaving but he grinned at me like he’d slept with a coat hanger in his mouth or something. I was a bit disturbed to say the least…never had THAT happen to me before. Maybe it was a compliment? A show of affection? Or maybe he was complaining about my ear. Hmmm.

That said, he was mighty cute. Looked around my age too…damn. Oh well, I’m sure there are plenty of other odd, ear licking dudes out there.

That’s it really. Nothing more to tell. I’m still awake and ready to cry; I CAN’T SLEEP!!!!

Well, as I suggested in the previous blog, I’m taking some time off. Not just from IF but in general. I’m leaving for the week (till Friday) to visit some old buddies of mine.

Should be fun and it will be peaceful so I can meditate. For want of a better emote.

I won’t bother with big goodbyes or anything, just a little seyonara for now. It’s only a week but who knows what will happen. I might be off longer if things don’t go as planned (and they never do for me). We’ll see.

Let’s hope the update on Friday will be the beginning of a new Jay. Although, the whip stays.

Mmm, so anyway, I’ll have access to the net and probably check my e-mails for a few minutes each day just in case and there’s a small chane of me coming to IF just for a chin wag, but short of that you won’t hear from me. PMs will be ignored unless they’re from wubbly peeps and aren’t IF related but if anyone wants to drop a random e-mail feel free. I’m sure you all know it by now and those who don’t cna use my IF e-mail.

Well, as of 1pm tomorrow, tara luvs.

I haven’t blogged in a few days but then I haven’t had a great deal to blog about. But jah, I was intrigued to right a proper blog in this topic to continue my post: http://support.invisionfree.com/index.php?showtopic=149765&view=findpost&p=3374832

Meh gives me something to do. For those reading, be warned that some information that I have kept somewhat a secret lies onwards, the reasons for them being secret are explained but I feel I can’t be bothered keeping them secrets anymore, I’ve reached a state of ‘like I give a fuck’ when it comes to other people’s opinions about me - with exception to the people I genuinely adore (e.g. Steeffie, Lothy, Christina, Stephen, Seth….I’m sure I posted the wub list around here somewhere? You get the picture).

But yes. Moderation and liking. Never two words I have put together, for myself. I’ve done moderation from chat rooms to forums over the years and it’s interesting how things suddenly change.

I used to work on an MSN chat room as a Host (for those who aren’t familiar, it’s basically the chat room equivelent of a moderator) though I was a member before. I’d made quite a few good friends and I made only one enemy, though she was an enemy of anything with a pulse so it hardly bothered me. I’ve never backed rule breaking; if someone I like breaks the rules, I don’t back them up on it. You do the crime, you do the time otherwise you sit down and keep your trap shut. It annoys me greatly the number of people who think they can get away with anything and scream blue murder when they are punished for it. How they aren’t criminals is beyond me.

Anyway, I became a host and things seemed fine until I had to start kicking people I liked. It bothered me at first (note: this was back in the days I had a conscience) but soon enough it didn’t. I respected the rules and I respected the CoC I was bound by. Of course, it doesn’t make for good socialising when you kick your friends. Soon enough some started to dislike me and eventually became hateful towards me but I blocked it out. I eventually developed my own way of hosting: you can’t please everyone, so please no one but the boss. Basically, if people broke the rules then they were kicked out, I didn’t think twice like I used to. Hesitation was no longer in my dictionary. This was the dawning of the Jay most people now know.

And so the room closed and I moved on, MSN was no longer a place I liked to linger so I went off to start my own website when I stumbled onto IF. You all know the story, you were there from my registration to promotion. Anyway, it does take some getting used to. I’ve moderated a few forums but obviously IFS being official and all, I got nervous and bugged the others about what now seems the smallest of things. Live and learn.

Hard truth is I’m despised (and most probably hated) by many people. It’s hard to suspend someone without them turning into an idiot who blames everyone but themselves for what happened. ermm.gif Maybe if people took responsability for their actions once in a while perhaps I’d show some compassion. I’m strict but fair, play nicely and I don’t bite, I’m sure the few people who still ‘like’ me will realise that. I’m just so damned tired of people ignoring the rules. Sure, IFS is a big forum but ffs it’s not so big that you can’t find the damned rules that happen to be at the very top of the board, plastered in Pinned topics and shoved above every post in the forum rules. It’s always been like that, even when I registered, although yes there were fewer topics/rules but still IFS was big then and had a lot of the stuff we do now. I don’t get it, if I, an idiot in just about every sense, can understand the rules (although I know I broke them once due to my lack of understanding what Warez meant ) then why can’t others?

To my mind there is no excuse, sure I show leniancy with new folk since I was never banned or punished for being new but when we point the rules out and still they continue to break them, nuh uh. I consider that a slap in the face and I don’t take them kindly. What really annoys is me is when people start to moan. How many times need I point out the rules and possible punishments before people will accept it?

Something that interests me is the root of all this. I’ve been asked a few times over these months why I’m so strict/mean and usually my reply is simply ‘I’ve always been a mean bastard’. I’ve had the odd ‘No you weren’t, you were cool as a member’ responses but I think they’re deluded. I truly am no different, perhaps the fact I have authority and the ability to enforce it makes me appear that way but in truth I have been the same person throughout my time here. Sure, I’m grumpier now because I’m tired but that aside, Jay has not truly changed. I never did bother to explain my reasons, why? Because they were a secret. A secret I felt some member who I didn’t know wasn’t worthy of knowing (no offense). There’s only one person on IFS (and indeed the whole of the IF network, save Stephen from WTS who has known me for years) that knows it but now I see no reason to hide it.

Be warned: Read on if you wish but judge not lest ye be judged.

So what is the centre of my anger? My hatred? My callousness? Well, however you wish to descrive me, it was formed only a few years ago. I was in what would be the first of my doomed relationships. It was typical at first; happy, in love, butterflies, the works. Sadly I had misjudged my romeo and the relationship became slightly violent on his part (call me a fool but despite it all, I didn’t have the heart to raise my fists - even in self defence - to a man I loved so much). Whether it was fear or a hope for change that made me stay, I’m still not sure, but I endured his beatings. As I should have expected he gradually grew more violent and one day the love was finally gone; he was now just a bully to me. It was then that I made the mistake of standing up for myself. To cut a long and boring tale short, I ended it and yet I began what would be my downfall.

I returned home on foot as usual though thanks to the arguement we had my adrenaline was rushing and my senses were more than alive. The smallest of noises terrified me. Nothing quite like adrenaline to make you paranoid but it seems I wasn’t paranoid. I cut through the park as per usual and if things couldn’t possibly get any worse the damned park was dark. I’ll spare details but basically he jumped me and raped me. The typical followed; councillors, depression, yada yada.

And so there you have it. The reason I’m a general arse. Everything people think about me is true, and then some. And I wish to make it quite clear it is simply a reason, not an excuse. I don’t believe in excuses. I can take responsability for what I do and still know what causes it. This isn’t a plead for people to be nice and understand me, just me setting the record straight. Perhaps I’m far worse lately but that’s because I have now exited yet another doomed relationship. Richard and I are no more. I ended it, I never thought just how much things would effect me but it seems even with the perfect guy, I can’t be who I want to be.

That’s all really. You now all know why I am who I am. It made me hateful towards humans, particularly men. But from the darkness came my strength. I became resistant towards just about anything. Opinions meant nothing to me. Friendship was a lie. Love was an illusion. As you may have guessed, this shield eventually weakened (refer to the MSN part above) and I started to live once more (and so my time at IF begins) but now? The shield is back. To stay.