If sounds like you are boing better, thats great
I’m not sure if I am can be seen as one of the “established members” Francis mentioned, but I do respect you. (And after reading this, my respect has only grown.)

You said you expect to always hate the man that did this to you.
Personaly, I don’t think its wrong to hate a person like that.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will recover as much as you can
Take care.

I’m well aware of how destructive my way of life is and that, whether now or in the future, it will bring pain to others - and it already has. That’s what pains me the most; I’m aware of what it does to myself and others yet I carry on because the walls seem too high. Which is why I’m doing this, I’m hoping to…cleanse, shall we say, my ’spirit’ or ’soul’ or however you wish to define it and wash away some of the pain/anger. I know I can’t rid of it all in one week and I don’t expect it, I also don’t expect to ever wash it all away since there will always be a small part of me that hates my ex for what he did (and probably hate myself too) but I know if I fight I can restore myself.

I’m not religious myself but I’m an open person who, at one point, enjoyed learning. I sometimes think that perhaps I fell into this pit because I mistook the lesson I felt life was teaching me that night. I assumed it was teaching me everything I knew was a lie; the way I was, the way I lived, the trust I had in humanity. I figured it was teaching me that I had misread…well, the signs I guess, throughout my years. I basically turned 180.

But now I’m thinking differently. Perhaps it was a lesson to make me stronger, something to test me in some form or another, to test my strength. Needless to say I failed miserably. I crumbled entirely. But redemption (something I strongly believe in) is perhaps at hand, maybe now I can learn from the experience and become stronger and become myself again.

I dunno, does that make me spiritual in a sense? I’ve never fully understood how my beliefs could be defined, but then again definitions aren’t important to me which is why I consider myself Atheist to an extent. I don’t follow a ‘code’, I simply follow my own beliefs. Unfortunately I think I took the wrong path and slipped this time but it’s never too late to learn.

I should shut up now. But thanks Phrank, you’re post has given me something to think about. But I’d like to just report that right now I’m feeling pretty good. I’m off to bed soon but the peace is doing me wonders, makes a change from the busy streets. Perhaps a change of scenery is what I need to get my thoughts together. I don’t think a great deal about myself and my life (in spite of my blogs which I think are merely ramblings of my irrational side rather than the part of me that takes a good, long and harsh look at myself) but I can do that this week. Seeing my old buddies is good too, good times from the past.

Anyhoo, nighty night and thanks again. :wub:

Can I just say how much that quote disturbs and saddens me?
For various reasons..

I don’t mean to seem harsh, but that sort of attitude/practice/whatever is one of the main contributing factors of our civilization’s failure to live up to its potential, and could very likely help bring about its demise, so I have some issues with people that subscribe to it.

Yes, it’s probably easier for you in certain ways, at least in the short term, but the easy way is rarely the best way, and it’s often the most selfish way and ends up causing harm to others, whether directly, or simply as a result of… hmm.. not sure how to say it.. denying/withholding your grace?

Hopefully you know what I’m talking about without me having to write some quasi-existential essay here.

I’ve never understood the propensity to build walls and elaborate coping mechanisms, and I refuse to consciously do so myself, though it’s made my life a living hell at times and nearly brought it to an end more than once, but I see it as an acceptable price to pay, in the grand scheme of things.
Unconscious blocking and wall-building is bad enough and will be a chore to undo without you deliberately putting effort into making it harder.

Blocking out the “check engine” light on your car’s dashboard seems at first to be easier than going through all the steps and expense necessary to functionally address and resolve the problem(s), but eventually, something proper will need to be done, either by you, or perhaps by somebody you might foist the car off on, and meanwhile, it will probably be causing harm to the environment and putting you and any passengers at unnecessary risk.

Not exactly a fitting analogy, but.. meh.

I can’t know for sure what you’re going through or will go through, but I have had my own share of shit to deal with, believe me, both directly and through relationships with people, and I’ve seen what sort of damage wall-building can do and how hard it can be to break down those walls.

For example, that I know of, at least 6 of my last 8 girlfriends were either raped, molested, or both, and some of them by multiple people.
Some strange part of the universe’s plan for me, I guess, since I knew of none of it before becoming involved with them.
Anyway, I mention it because I understand the profound effects it can have on people and have experienced a vast array of coping mechanisms, both functional and dysfunctional, and I know that the fixes can often end up causing more damage than the original problem, not just for the victims, but the ones that love them, and the ones they love, or try to.

Anyway, before I really start rambling out of control, I just want to say that I hope you can find a means to deal with that and other issues without shutting off bits and pieces of yourself here and there and denying others the beauty that is Jay Hudson.

I’m not sure where you stand exactly, spirituality-wise.. but you probably know that I’m fairly anti-religion, though I’m a pretty spiritual person and try to learn and hold onto any teachings I find valuable.
Anyway, we have this lady here called Gangaji (http://www.gangaji.org/index.asp), who has a TV show on a cable access channel.. er.. you might not know what that means, being a dirty foreigner and all, but oh well, it doesn’t matter.. what I’m getting at is that I watch it and it helps me gain some clarity, whether I can actually manage to follow the teachings I’m interested in or not, so even if you’re not into religion, per se, you might be able to find some helpful insights and tools from spiritual teachings like hers.

I don’t know you all that well, comparitively speaking, but unless you’re an expert actor, you seem like a wonderful person, and I think (swarms of IFS idiots who refuse to take responsibility for their actions aside) most people like you as much as I do and don’t expect you to always be a sweet little kitteh, so don’t sweat that.
Being a nice person or even a Buddhist monk or something doesn’t mean you can’t get pissed off and fed up from time to time and go off on people.
Murder would be frowned upon though.

Peace