Heart of stone?
I haven’t blogged in a few days but then I haven’t had a great deal to blog about. But jah, I was intrigued to right a proper blog in this topic to continue my post: http://support.invisionfree.com/index.php?showtopic=149765&view=findpost&p=3374832
Meh gives me something to do. For those reading, be warned that some information that I have kept somewhat a secret lies onwards, the reasons for them being secret are explained but I feel I can’t be bothered keeping them secrets anymore, I’ve reached a state of ‘like I give a fuck’ when it comes to other people’s opinions about me - with exception to the people I genuinely adore (e.g. Steeffie, Lothy, Christina, Stephen, Seth….I’m sure I posted the wub list around here somewhere? You get the picture).
But yes. Moderation and liking. Never two words I have put together, for myself. I’ve done moderation from chat rooms to forums over the years and it’s interesting how things suddenly change.
I used to work on an MSN chat room as a Host (for those who aren’t familiar, it’s basically the chat room equivelent of a moderator) though I was a member before. I’d made quite a few good friends and I made only one enemy, though she was an enemy of anything with a pulse so it hardly bothered me. I’ve never backed rule breaking; if someone I like breaks the rules, I don’t back them up on it. You do the crime, you do the time otherwise you sit down and keep your trap shut. It annoys me greatly the number of people who think they can get away with anything and scream blue murder when they are punished for it. How they aren’t criminals is beyond me.
Anyway, I became a host and things seemed fine until I had to start kicking people I liked. It bothered me at first (note: this was back in the days I had a conscience) but soon enough it didn’t. I respected the rules and I respected the CoC I was bound by. Of course, it doesn’t make for good socialising when you kick your friends. Soon enough some started to dislike me and eventually became hateful towards me but I blocked it out. I eventually developed my own way of hosting: you can’t please everyone, so please no one but the boss. Basically, if people broke the rules then they were kicked out, I didn’t think twice like I used to. Hesitation was no longer in my dictionary. This was the dawning of the Jay most people now know.
And so the room closed and I moved on, MSN was no longer a place I liked to linger so I went off to start my own website when I stumbled onto IF. You all know the story, you were there from my registration to promotion. Anyway, it does take some getting used to. I’ve moderated a few forums but obviously IFS being official and all, I got nervous and bugged the others about what now seems the smallest of things. Live and learn.
Hard truth is I’m despised (and most probably hated) by many people. It’s hard to suspend someone without them turning into an idiot who blames everyone but themselves for what happened. ermm.gif Maybe if people took responsability for their actions once in a while perhaps I’d show some compassion. I’m strict but fair, play nicely and I don’t bite, I’m sure the few people who still ‘like’ me will realise that. I’m just so damned tired of people ignoring the rules. Sure, IFS is a big forum but ffs it’s not so big that you can’t find the damned rules that happen to be at the very top of the board, plastered in Pinned topics and shoved above every post in the forum rules. It’s always been like that, even when I registered, although yes there were fewer topics/rules but still IFS was big then and had a lot of the stuff we do now. I don’t get it, if I, an idiot in just about every sense, can understand the rules (although I know I broke them once due to my lack of understanding what Warez meant 
) then why can’t others?
To my mind there is no excuse, sure I show leniancy with new folk since I was never banned or punished for being new but when we point the rules out and still they continue to break them, nuh uh. I consider that a slap in the face and I don’t take them kindly. What really annoys is me is when people start to moan. How many times need I point out the rules and possible punishments before people will accept it? 
Something that interests me is the root of all this. I’ve been asked a few times over these months why I’m so strict/mean and usually my reply is simply ‘I’ve always been a mean bastard’. I’ve had the odd ‘No you weren’t, you were cool as a member’ responses but I think they’re deluded. I truly am no different, perhaps the fact I have authority and the ability to enforce it makes me appear that way but in truth I have been the same person throughout my time here. Sure, I’m grumpier now because I’m tired but that aside, Jay has not truly changed. I never did bother to explain my reasons, why? Because they were a secret. A secret I felt some member who I didn’t know wasn’t worthy of knowing (no offense). There’s only one person on IFS (and indeed the whole of the IF network, save Stephen from WTS who has known me for years) that knows it but now I see no reason to hide it.
Be warned: Read on if you wish but judge not lest ye be judged.
So what is the centre of my anger? My hatred? My callousness? Well, however you wish to descrive me, it was formed only a few years ago. I was in what would be the first of my doomed relationships. It was typical at first; happy, in love, butterflies, the works. Sadly I had misjudged my romeo and the relationship became slightly violent on his part (call me a fool but despite it all, I didn’t have the heart to raise my fists - even in self defence - to a man I loved so much). Whether it was fear or a hope for change that made me stay, I’m still not sure, but I endured his beatings. As I should have expected he gradually grew more violent and one day the love was finally gone; he was now just a bully to me. It was then that I made the mistake of standing up for myself. To cut a long and boring tale short, I ended it and yet I began what would be my downfall.
I returned home on foot as usual though thanks to the arguement we had my adrenaline was rushing and my senses were more than alive. The smallest of noises terrified me. Nothing quite like adrenaline to make you paranoid but it seems I wasn’t paranoid. I cut through the park as per usual and if things couldn’t possibly get any worse the damned park was dark. I’ll spare details but basically he jumped me and raped me. The typical followed; councillors, depression, yada yada.
And so there you have it. The reason I’m a general arse. Everything people think about me is true, and then some. And I wish to make it quite clear it is simply a reason, not an excuse. I don’t believe in excuses. I can take responsability for what I do and still know what causes it. This isn’t a plead for people to be nice and understand me, just me setting the record straight. Perhaps I’m far worse lately but that’s because I have now exited yet another doomed relationship. Richard and I are no more. I ended it, I never thought just how much things would effect me but it seems even with the perfect guy, I can’t be who I want to be.
That’s all really. You now all know why I am who I am. It made me hateful towards humans, particularly men. But from the darkness came my strength. I became resistant towards just about anything. Opinions meant nothing to me. Friendship was a lie. Love was an illusion. As you may have guessed, this shield eventually weakened (refer to the MSN part above) and I started to live once more (and so my time at IF begins) but now? The shield is back. To stay.
Stay strong, Jay.
I’m supporting you.
Kitties always land on their feet.
Comment by Stefan — June 17, 2005 @ 11:17 am
To be honest Stefan, I’ve given up. =/
I’m tired of trying to be who I once was because I can’t. I’m not him anymore, I can’t be all nicey nice and I’m tired of being trampled on.
I guess it just seems easier to block everything out and just get on with life.
Comment by Administrator — June 18, 2005 @ 12:48 am
I’m sorry to hear what happened. Though, it doesn’t change our relationship and never would. People who would judge people over things like that can go suck a lemon. You’re still the coolest cat I know.
You don’t seem that hard..though you’ve never enforced the rules on me. :r Even when you get angry, to me, you’re still that funny, furry, little fella. Sometimes, I wish I were a little stricter. You’re completely right in your punishments. Repeat offenders are being disrespectful. All we’re trying to do is make the community better for everyone, so why do they have to get uptight about things. :S Can’t anyone read? I know when I join a board or site. I make sure I read the rules. I don’t want to end up looking like a fool…
But anyways, you’re an awesome person, and you should know it. Love you lots, Jay. :huggle:
Comment by Looners — June 18, 2005 @ 1:41 am
So you’ve finally decided to tell everyone.
I was actually thinking about this the other day.
But the Jay I know today is awesome, so I don’t see where anything could really go downhill.
And to say this again, I’m really glad you were able to recooperate from what he did to you.
Comment by deat — June 18, 2005 @ 4:17 am
Jay, you are fine just the way you are. I just wish for happiness for you. Peace of mind. And for all morons on IF to die. Well the first 2 anyway. Hopefully things will work out.
Comment by Yodaminch — June 18, 2005 @ 4:38 pm
From the opinion of a member, you’re someone I truly respect on IFS.
You’re nice when it’s needed, and harsh when it’s needed, as are all the staff. I think most, if not all, established members would feel the same, and have a deep respect for all staff, and what they have to do.
Comment by Francis (101) — June 18, 2005 @ 4:43 pm
It’s nice to know not everyone hates me, love you all, truly do. :wub:
But I’m really not nice anymore. =/ Shoulda seen the PM I sent earlier, I snapped simply because someone wanted a link to IPB. I’ve snapped a lot lately actually, even at Wolf. Poor thing, kept whining afterwards.
I huggled him though and we made up. 
I think I’m going downhill, and fast. The number of things I want to scream out to people, the sheer agonising annoyance when people do the dumbest of things, the complete hatred I feel for certain individuals; it’s rediculous. And I don’t think it’s healthy.
I’m contemplating giving up my positon for a few weeks, take some time off (have Seth or Brandon or Brian suspend me) and just try to find myself once more. I just don’t know right now, I feel like I’ve lost my way.
Comment by Administrator — June 19, 2005 @ 12:41 am
Jay I hope that the son of a bitch (can you say that on here? I dunno lol) dies a slow and painfull death and then rots in hell. You are one of the nicest people I know and I don’t see how people could hate you. They should try and get to know you instead of getting all mad at you for doing what your suppose to do! I really hope you don’t leave IF (even for a week or two) but if you do then you will be greatly missed by many.
Comment by James(WC) — June 19, 2005 @ 2:45 am
really sorry for all that has happened,
Just makes me really sad when reading this. And if you do happen to leave IF for a week or two you will be greatly miss even in that short amount of time.
Comment by Jalba — June 19, 2005 @ 3:34 am
Jay, I do suggest a quick leave, if that is what you feel you need. And not because I want to see you go (I don’t want to see you go). I just want to see you recover as soon as you can, however you should take all the time you need to do any reflecting or spending time with those you love. The moronic users over at IFS are just adding to any anger you are storing up. So maybe you should just steer clear of IFS or any other boards you mod at for a short time, until you’ve regained yourself. Again, I’d rather not see you go, and you’d be definately missed for the time you are gone, but if Jay comes back a happier Jay, I’d be happy to know it and it would surely be worth it.
Comment by Looners — June 19, 2005 @ 3:44 am
Wow, so much I didn’t know about you Jay :O
I know what you mean about snapping at people at IF, i’m close to doing that with a lot of people, I think i’m starting to be less nice and act like a general arse myself, such as having a go at someone and not caring what they think.
If you want to leave IF for a bit: go ahead. All the idiot morons round that place must be just too much for you. Of course there are the few that are sensible and good to have around, but you see more of the idiots than you do of the good guys. Take a short break if you want, we’ll keep the place as idiot-free as possible for you
Of course i’d not like to see you go, like Luna said in the previous comment, but if you need a break, take a break
Comment by Matthew — June 19, 2005 @ 12:12 pm
Wow. :mellow:
Comment by Logik — June 19, 2005 @ 6:20 pm
Jay I agree leave IF for now, just log out for a week or more. Or ask brian or brandon to help you , but its definately not healthy for you.
Comment by Yodaminch — June 20, 2005 @ 2:04 am
u suck you stupid bitch
Comment by Meeee — June 20, 2005 @ 4:12 am
“I guess it just seems easier to block everything out and just get on with life.”
Can I just say how much that quote disturbs and saddens me?
For various reasons..
I don’t mean to seem harsh, but that sort of attitude/practice/whatever is one of the main contributing factors of our civilization’s failure to live up to its potential, and could very likely help bring about its demise, so I have some issues with people that subscribe to it.
Yes, it’s probably easier for you in certain ways, at least in the short term, but the easy way is rarely the best way, and it’s often the most selfish way and ends up causing harm to others, whether directly, or simply as a result of… hmm.. not sure how to say it.. denying/withholding your grace?
Hopefully you know what I’m talking about without me having to write some quasi-existential essay here.
I’ve never understood the propensity to build walls and elaborate coping mechanisms, and I refuse to consciously do so myself, though it’s made my life a living hell at times and nearly brought it to an end more than once, but I see it as an acceptable price to pay, in the grand scheme of things.
Unconscious blocking and wall-building is bad enough and will be a chore to undo without you deliberately putting effort into making it harder.
Blocking out the “check engine” light on your car’s dashboard seems at first to be easier than going through all the steps and expense necessary to functionally address and resolve the problem(s), but eventually, something proper will need to be done, either by you, or perhaps by somebody you might foist the car off on, and meanwhile, it will probably be causing harm to the environment and putting you and any passengers at unnecessary risk.
Not exactly a fitting analogy, but.. meh.
I can’t know for sure what you’re going through or will go through, but I have had my own share of shit to deal with, believe me, both directly and through relationships with people, and I’ve seen what sort of damage wall-building can do and how hard it can be to break down those walls.
For example, that I know of, at least 6 of my last 8 girlfriends were either raped, molested, or both, and some of them by multiple people.
Some strange part of the universe’s plan for me, I guess, since I knew of none of it before becoming involved with them.
Anyway, I mention it because I understand the profound effects it can have on people and have experienced a vast array of coping mechanisms, both functional and dysfunctional, and I know that the fixes can often end up causing more damage than the original problem, not just for the victims, but the ones that love them, and the ones they love, or try to.
Anyway, before I really start rambling out of control, I just want to say that I hope you can find a means to deal with that and other issues without shutting off bits and pieces of yourself here and there and denying others the beauty that is Jay Hudson.
I’m not sure where you stand exactly, spirituality-wise.. but you probably know that I’m fairly anti-religion, though I’m a pretty spiritual person and try to learn and hold onto any teachings I find valuable.
Anyway, we have this lady here called Gangaji (http://www.gangaji.org/index.asp), who has a TV show on a cable access channel.. er.. you might not know what that means, being a dirty foreigner and all, but oh well, it doesn’t matter.. what I’m getting at is that I watch it and it helps me gain some clarity, whether I can actually manage to follow the teachings I’m interested in or not, so even if you’re not into religion, per se, you might be able to find some helpful insights and tools from spiritual teachings like hers.
I don’t know you all that well, comparitively speaking, but unless you’re an expert actor, you seem like a wonderful person, and I think (swarms of IFS idiots who refuse to take responsibility for their actions aside) most people like you as much as I do and don’t expect you to always be a sweet little kitteh, so don’t sweat that.
Being a nice person or even a Buddhist monk or something doesn’t mean you can’t get pissed off and fed up from time to time and go off on people.
Murder would be frowned upon though.
Peace
Comment by PhranK — June 20, 2005 @ 8:07 am
I apologize for my excessive use of “anyway” in that post. :r
Comment by PhranK — June 20, 2005 @ 8:11 am
Thanks Phrank.
Very wise words and I’ll certainly be taking your suggestions into consideration.
I’m well aware of how destructive my way of life is and that, whether now or in the future, it will bring pain to others - and it already has. That’s what pains me the most; I’m aware of what it does to myself and others yet I carry on because the walls seem too high. Which is why I’m doing this, I’m hoping to…cleanse, shall we say, my ’spirit’ or ’soul’ or however you wish to define it and wash away some of the pain/anger. I know I can’t rid of it all in one week and I don’t expect it, I also don’t expect to ever wash it all away since there will always be a small part of me that hates my ex for what he did (and probably hate myself too) but I know if I fight I can restore myself.
I’m not religious myself but I’m an open person who, at one point, enjoyed learning. I sometimes think that perhaps I fell into this pit because I mistook the lesson I felt life was teaching me that night. I assumed it was teaching me everything I knew was a lie; the way I was, the way I lived, the trust I had in humanity. I figured it was teaching me that I had misread…well, the signs I guess, throughout my years. I basically turned 180.
But now I’m thinking differently. Perhaps it was a lesson to make me stronger, something to test me in some form or another, to test my strength. Needless to say I failed miserably. I crumbled entirely. But redemption (something I strongly believe in) is perhaps at hand, maybe now I can learn from the experience and become stronger and become myself again.
I dunno, does that make me spiritual in a sense? I’ve never fully understood how my beliefs could be defined, but then again definitions aren’t important to me which is why I consider myself Atheist to an extent. I don’t follow a ‘code’, I simply follow my own beliefs. Unfortunately I think I took the wrong path and slipped this time but it’s never too late to learn.
I should shut up now.
But thanks Phrank, you’re post has given me something to think about. But I’d like to just report that right now I’m feeling pretty good. I’m off to bed soon but the peace is doing me wonders, makes a change from the busy streets. Perhaps a change of scenery is what I need to get my thoughts together. I don’t think a great deal about myself and my life (in spite of my blogs which I think are merely ramblings of my irrational side rather than the part of me that takes a good, long and harsh look at myself) but I can do that this week. Seeing my old buddies is good too, good times from the past. 
Anyhoo, nighty night and thanks again. :wub:
Comment by Administrator — June 21, 2005 @ 12:50 am
Well, I guess there is not much I can say after all of the above.
If sounds like you are boing better, thats great
I’m not sure if I am can be seen as one of the “established members” Francis mentioned, but I do respect you. (And after reading this, my respect has only grown.)
You said you expect to always hate the man that did this to you.
Personaly, I don’t think its wrong to hate a person like that.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you will recover as much as you can
Take care.
Comment by Qj — June 24, 2005 @ 12:16 pm